An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room.
"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here," she cried, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
There was a beautiful young blonde who was going to a soda machine and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst.
She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a little, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke which she placed on a counter by the machine.
Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change.
She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew.
As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man who had been waiting patiently for several minutes now spoke up. "Excuse me Ms. but are you done yet?"
She looked at him and indignantly replied: "Well Duhhh!, I'm still winning."
Three blondes walk into a bar and ask the bartender for three shots of tequila. He looks at them and says "OK" and pours their shots.
They all clink glasses and and yell "51 days!" Then they proceed to slam the shots, looking very self-satisfied. They look backto the bartender and decide to order another round. This time they pick up the glasses again and, more gleefully yell " Only 51 days!"
The bartender finally can't stand wondering what they are talking about and asks them what they mean by Only 51 days.
One of the blondes looks at him and says "Well," looking very smug. "We "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. It took us Only 51 days.....and on the box it said 4-7 years"
The British Government's policy of socialized medicine has recently been broadened to include a service called "Proxy Fathers". Under the government plan, any married woman who is unable to become pregnant through the first five years of her marriage may request the service of a proxy father--a government employee who attempts to solve the couple's problem by impregnating the wife. The Smiths, a young couple, have no children and a proxy father is due to arrive. Leaving for work, Mr. Smith says, "I'm off. The government man should be here soon." Moments later a door-to-door baby photographer rings the bell...
Mrs. Smith: "Good morning."
Salesman: "Good morning, madam. You don't know me, but I've come to..."
Mrs. Smith: "No need to explain, I've been expecting you."
Salesman: "Really? Well, good. I've made a specialty of babies, especially twins."
Mrs. Smith: "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."
Salesman: (Sitting) "Then you don't need to be sold on the idea?"
Mrs. Smith: "Don't concern yourself. My husband and I both agree that this is the right thing to do."
Salesman: "Well, perhaps we should get down to it."
Mrs. Smith: (Blushing) "Just where do we start?"
Salesman: "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor allows the subject to really spread out."
Mrs. Smith: "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it hasn't worked for Harry and I."
Salesman: "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time, but if we try several locations and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results. In fact, my business card says, 'I aim to please.'"
Mrs. Smith: "Pardon me, but isn't this a little informal?"
Salesman: "Madam, in my line of work, a man must be at ease and take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that."
Mrs. Smith: "Don't I know! Have you had much success at this?"
Salesman: (Opening his briefcase and finding baby pictures) "Just look at this picture. Believe it or not, it was done on top of a bus in downtown London."
Mrs. Smith: "Oh, my!!"
Salesman: "And here are pictures of the prettiest twins in town. They turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
Mrs. Smith: "She was?"
Salesman: "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her down to Hyde Park to get the job done right. I've never worked under such impossible conditions. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
Mrs. Smith: "Four and five deep?"
Salesman: "Yes and for more than three hours, too. The mother got so excited she started bouncing around, squealing and yelling at the crowd. I couldn't concentrate. I'm afraid I had to ask a couple of men to restrain her. By that time darkness was appoaching and I began to rush my shots. When the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment I just packed it all in.
Mrs. Smith: "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh.., equipment?"
Salesman: "That's right, but it's all in a day's work. I consider my work a pleasure. I've spent years perfecting my technique. Now take this baby, I shot this one in the front window of a big department store."
Mrs. Smith: "I just can't believe it."
Salesman: "Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
Mrs. Smith: "TRIPOD?!?"
Salesman: "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my equipment on. It's much too heavy and unwieldy for me to hold while I'm shooting. Mrs. Smith?... Mrs. Smith?... My word, she's fainted."
A man came home from work sporting two black eyes.
"What happened to you?" asked his wife.
"I'll never understand women," he replied. "I was riding up in an escalator behind this pretty young girl, and I noticed that her skirt was stuck in the crack of her ass. So I pulled it out, and she turned around and punched me in the eye!"
"I can certainly appreciate that," said the wife, "But how did you get the second black eye?"
"Well, I figured she liked it that way," said the husband, "So I pushed it back in."
A man was driving along the highway and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awfulthat he began to cry.
A blonde woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."
The blonde told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked overto the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road.
Fifty feet away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 feet, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 feet.
The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could
be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, "What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?"
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label.
It said:"Hair Spray - Restores Life to Dead Hair. Adds Permanent Wave"
An airplane shipment full of Pepsi had a malfunction flying over
the continent of Africa and went down. It took a few weeks for
the Pepsi Company to send a three man rescue team.
While searching the area they found a tribe of cannibals.
Asking the Chief of the tribe if he knew anything about the
crash, the Chief replied, "We ate the crew, and we drank the Pepsi."
The Rescue team was shocked! A team member asked, "Did
you eat their legs?" The chief replied, "We ate their legs, and
we drank the Pepsi"The second member asked, "Did you eat their arms?" The
Chief replied, "We ate their arms, and we drank the Pepsi."
Totally bewildered, a third member asked, "Did you...well, you
know...eat their...'things'?"The Chief replied, "No!""No?" asked the rescuer.
"No," replied the Chief, "THINGS go better with Coke."
A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a
gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However,
as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared
speed detector and was pulled over.
The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and
was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I
was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of
other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why didI get the ticket?"
"Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.
"Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied.
The officer grinned and added, "Did you ever catch all the fish?"
1. My father came back on a flight from a business trip with
a safe landing. The airline slowed down to a stop after
exiting the runway and paused without motion. Two minutes
later, the airline pivoted 90 degrees clockwise and stopped.
After another 2 minute pause, the airline again pivoted, but
to the left about 180 degrees. Again, the airline stopped
and stood motionless. Two minutes later, the captains voice
boomed from the loudspeaker, "Can anyone out there tell me where Gate 11 is?"
2. After a long delay at the snow bound Cincinnati Airport, we
were finally pulling out (backing up to start taxiing). The
air hostesses were doing their pre-flight routine, & apologizing
for the delay, when the captain's voice boomed: "All you air
hostesses in the aisles: how many times have I told you not to
stand in the aisles & block my view when I am backing up !!"
3. My brother, his daughters and I traveled to Europe one
summer. One of our stays during the trip was in Germany.
One night we had been out driving the streets looking for
a restaurant. Appropriately we got lost. We then began to
search for someone to ask directions from and came across a
German Police Officer. As we approached him, I rolled down
the window and asked, "Sprechen Sie Deutsch?" He replied,
"Of course I do you idiot! I'm German!" Needless to say
I was quite embarrassed, but we did get directions.
4. A saleswoman from a major condom company was required to
travel cross-country to meet a perspective buyer. Her boss
asked her to take about 100 condoms of various types with her.
As she was running late for her flight, she simply stuffed
them all into her briefcase. The cab ride to the airport
was delayed by traffic and she had just enough time to throw
her ticket at the counter and run onto the plane. As she
jumped into the airplane, she dropped her briefcase and all
the condoms flew out all over the floor in front of all the
passengers and crew. They all stared amazed at the display
and then looked to the woman who said sheepishly, "I'm meeting a new client."
